Thursday, December 21, 2006


I got this from Bane...I've been at training all week, so I haven't updated...this will be it, though.

Rules - copy the list and bold face the items you've done. Send it back to
the friend who sent it to you, then send it on to other friends. Ask them
about their experiences!

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Driven anything over 100 MPH
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it
09. Hugged a tree (Does holding onto a tree for dear life count?)

10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse of the moon.
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach

50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date (that was my first date...)
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

For Love of the Game

I'm home sick today, and since I was in a movie watching mood, I took a long look at the four hundred or so DVDs that I own, but couldn't find anything interesting to watch. So, pop on the cable box and hop on Encore On Demand. I saw a few movies that I was interested in, but my dad had always said great things about For Love of the Game with Kevin Costner and Kelly Preston. Being a baseball fanatic, and a Kevin Costner hater (I know, he's been in two of the best baseball movies ever - Field of Dreams and Bull Durham) I wasn't sure if I wanted to sit through two hours of a terrible actor and a crappy scientologist making pretend.

Anyway, against my better judgment, I watched it.

I wasn't impressed, but I wasn't too terribly disappointed. I won't say it was anywhere NEAR as good as the Rookie, yet it was a decent movie. Maybe it was because I went in with such low expectations that I can say that I enjoyed it somewhat.

It is essentially a movie in which a 40 year old pitcher (Kevin Costner) is throwing what could be his last game in the big leagues, and learns that he's going to be traded after the season is over, by the Tiger's new owners. Then, about 4 hours before game time, he finds out that his quasi-girlfriend (Kelly Preston) is leaving him to take a job in London. Then, you see him start the game, and in between innings and pitches, he relives portions of his life, mostly centering around his relationship with Kelly Preston and her daughter, his rehab from an accident with a table saw, and the breakups and make-ups that have surrounded the last five years of his life.

I won't spoil it for the few that might actually want to see it, but check it out. It was a decent flick, if you don't mind the sappy music and occasional plot holes.

Monday, December 11, 2006


...though I may or may not be better than ever...

Meghan and I are back from the wedding and honeymoon, which, suffice to say, was amazing. We stayed at the luxurious Aventura Spa Palace in Riveria Maya, Mexico. The weather was great, the tequila was better, and I got to see Meg go sans top at the pool. A happy time was had by all!

The wedding was amazing. Our photographer did an amazing job of documenting the whole thing, and I don't mind advertising his work here. Yeah, that lug with the long hair is me...a lot of people are asking me how I managed to land a chica that looks like that, and I keep asking if they've seen Borat. Remember at the end of the movie, when he chases Pam Anderson with the traditional Kazakhstani wedding sack? Well, our courtship was something like that...

The DJ, Dave Nase, of Exclusive Entertainment, did a great job, and a special thanks goes out to him for NOT bringing a tape deck with him that night. See, there's allegedly this tape floating around of my supposedly singing Friends in Low Places by Garth Brooks when I was like 10. Allegedly. My mother has always said that she was going to have it played at my wedding, however, because of the lack of a tape deck, the tape, which may or may not actually exist, could not be played. So, instead of that, he put on the song, gave me a microphone, and the male portion of the bridal party went to town. Apparently, the wedding was viewed as one part party, one part talent show, and one part fashion show, as my bride was stunning.

So, where am I now? Meg and I started looking for homes, so that we could move out of our apartment and get a backyard for Seamus. We're hoping to be moving in the next three or four months.

Saturday evening, Meg and I were indulging in some adult beverages, and watched George Romero's Land of the Dead. Around 4:30 AM, I apparently was having a bad dream, most likely involving zombies, when I started sleepwalking. By sleepwalking, I mean screaming at the top of my lungs, running around the room, slamming into the walls, and eventually jumping back onto the bed, almost crushing Meghan's arm in the process. I'm quite sure I've separated my shoulder, and that this is the first reported instance of zombie violence in 2006, maybe ever.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Gay Marriage in NJ UPDATE!

I found out yesterday that towns are not issuing marriage certificates to homosexual couples until the legislature passes a law one way or the other. I really don't mind the legislature giving them full civil unions, in that they get all the benefits of a marriage, but I don't want it called a marriage. A marriage is a religious consecration of the love between a man and a woman, and I don't want it cheapened by this legal bullshit.

Hopefully the NJ legislature will do the right thing.

Goodbye, Ford Taurus...

Anyone who's read my blog before knows that I'm into the Ford Taurus and Mercury Sable.  I drive a 1998 Sable, and I've got way too much money into it to count.

Anyway, after 21 years, production on the Taurus has ceased.  I believe the last Taurus will roll of the Chicago line at 8 AM Central Time.  It's a pretty sad day for me, especially considering the fact that the Taurus singlehandedly saved Ford Motor Company.  When the Taurus was first designed, it was a bold design that no one had done before.  People thought it looked too futuristic and wouldn't sell well.  It ended up being the best selling vehicle in American for several years, and was in the top five in most of the other years.

What does this mean for Ford?  Well, they can introduce new vehicles that might be able to better fill the niches, but unfortunately, they don't have a catch-all car anymore.  They introduced three new cars to replace the Taurus...not one, not two, but three.  The Fusion is meant to satisfy younger people looking for a sporty car, but without having to drop $28K on a Mustang GT.  The Five-Hundred is a hulk of a car, meant to fulfill the family segment.  It is a very nice car, but looks too generic and like a lot of other manufacturers cars.  The Freestyle is a cross-over wagon vehicle, meant to attract all those that want a wagon and don't want a Subaru or Volvo.  I don't know if any of them will ever be as successful as the Taurus was. 

Everything about the Taurus was bold and innovative, but Ford decided back in 2003 that they would start stripping the car down, offering it with fewer options, in the hopes that they could continue to make fleet sales.  Ford didn't want to update the car, and because it was a 20+ year old design (not externally, but the underpinnings were the same) Ford thought it would be better to let the car die a very unceremonious death.

I found out the other day that a Detroit television station had contacted the VP of the Taurus Car Club of America to do a segment on the Taurus and what it means to some of us.  He drove a few hours from Ohio to Detroit, met up with a few other devoted members, and taped the segment.  I'll link it here when it is played on ABC World News (should be tonight).

Goodbye Taurus...may you come back as a new model a few years down the line...

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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Gay Marriage in NJ

The NJ state Supreme Court ruled today that gay marriage in NJ is constitutional, according to their interpretation, and that the state legislature has 180 days to pass a law either recognizing gay marriage as that, or calling it something else.  I, of course, don't agree.

I don't care to write what I really feel, 1- because I don't have the time, and 2- because I don't feel like getting sued for hate speech.

What I'm concerned about at this point is the fact that I have to go get my marriage license this Friday.  Guess what I'm going to have to deal with...

I want to wear a shirt that says "Marriage is between a man and a woman."

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Monday, October 23, 2006

I'm still alive...

Yeah, just really busy because of the impending wedding. We've got just a couple more weeks before the big day.

Yesterday was my bachelor party. We decided to go paintballing, which was a total blast. I had never been before, and all I can say is that, if you're able, save up some money and go. It will be just about the most fun you will ever have. I had never been, and after one day in the woods, I'll be buying a gun early next year. In all, I think it cost about $100 per person for the day, after you figure in the rentals, field pass, and paint. I think I went though about 2500 paintballs. I'm not sure if that's a high number or what, but I did see other guys out there that just wasted their paint like it was nothing. I mean, fully-automatic paintball guns that had to have been shooting at well over 100 rounds per minute. They would just hold that trigger, and the paint would fly.

Anyway, after paintballing, we all made the trip back to my apartment, where we showered. Somehow we got 8 guys through the shower and ready to go out in an hour. Could you imagine what 8 women would have required?

We headed out to Kildare's Irish Pub in Philly, on 2nd and South. The burgers were great, the drinks were great. Just an amazing time. I didn't want strippers (although there was some talk about a three foot tall South Pacific Islander in a dufflebag, somewhere) so we just went out and got drunk. My best man, James, rented a 12 passenger van, and we loaded that up and headed over. Some of my buddies from college met up with us, and, being the people they are, got me totally wasted. Somehow I ended up doing kareoke to Don't Stop Believin' by Journey. The only time I've ever heard that song was in an episode of Family Guy. I think I pulled it off, though.

In the end, I think I drank three Guinesses, a black & tan, two SoCo and limes, three bloody shits (I think it was vodka and Tobasco), a Baby Guinness, a Tic-Tac, two Four Wise Men, a glass of very, very good 18 year old Scotch, two Jaegerbombs, and maybe one or two more...It gets hazy around midnight, although I closed the night with kareoke to Rapper's Delight by the Sugarhill Gang.

So I'm not hung over, if that's what you were thinking. We got back to the apartment around 2 AM, and I passed out in the living room, on the floor in front of the couch. I woke up about two hours later, got changed, and moved from the floor to the couch. I finally stirred around 11 this morning, and have just been bumming around all day. I did some homework, watched Reservoir Dogs and played with the dog. Thank GOD I took a vacation day! I did manage to sprain my ankle a bit. It's swollen but not bruised, so a couple days and I should be good, but my quads and back feel like hell.

It sucks getting older. I'm only 23. What the hell is 50 going to feel like?

Monday, September 11, 2006


Its tough to quantify what I'm feeling today. I just sat in a sort of "rah rah" session with MS2's upper management, saying how amazing it is that our company has impacted the nation's survival, post-9/11. How after 9/11, Norm Malnack, one of our uppers of the uppers, was driving back from Norfolk, VA, on the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel on the afternoon of 9/11, after deciding that he couldn't stay away from his family, and before he went underwater, he saw a veritable picket-line of AEGIS destroyers and cruisers getting underway from Norfolk Naval Base, going to set up offshore, near Washington, DC, New York, and countless other cities, just waiting for the errant aircraft...just in case. I think its great that my company had at least a little impact, even if it was just a little. Now we have ballistic missile defense, and again, we are setting up pickets of ships to stop other neo-nuclear rogue states.

I digress. This day is about remembrance. I remember where I you? I doubt that anyone could forget.

One the morning of Tuesday, September 11th, 2001, I had nothing to do. I was starting my freshman year at Drexel University in a week, so I was still working, but didn't need to be there until 1 PM. At 8:48, my mother came bursting in the room. She had the day off for some reason...I don't recall why. She said that someone had just crashed into the World Trade Center. I figured it had to have been a Cessna or something...something small. I mean, during WWII, an Army B-17 bomber crashed into the Empire State Building under heavy fog. The building barely wavered.

I ran downstairs and just as I got down there, I saw something streak through the sky. It was coming from our vantage point, although a bit off to the right. I yelled that another plane was about to hit...then, BOOM! I saw the fireball that was, just a few minutes ago, floors 78-84 of the South tower. I turned to my mother and said calmly..."We're at war."

My then girlfriend, now fiancee, Meghan, went to school at a specialized high school for Marine Sciences, called MAST, up on Sandy Hook, NJ. Its only about 15 miles, as the crow flies. I immediately called her on her cell phone, and when she was unreachable (since many of the cell phone providers used the towers as major cell sites), I called the central office of the school to make sure they knew. Everyone was in total shock.

All I could do after that was watch...and wait. I finally heard from Meghan, and found out that her cousin, Danny, had a 9 AM meeting in the towers. No one knew if he was dead or alive. Then, the south tower collapsed. As horrified as I already was, I know that I was physically sick. The second tower collapsed awhile later. I had heard that they were triaging some of the victims up in Atlantic Highlands, where a high speed ferry usually ushered commuters from the Jersey Shore almost to the foot of the towers.

I called work, since I was a lifeguard, and could have done some good up there. I would have at least been able to split broken bones or clean wounds. I was told by my boss that I couldn't miss work, and would be fired if I did. "The professionals up there know what they're doing. They don't need you up there." Or so I was told. Truth is, they needed help. I couldn't go up. I wish to God I had just hopped in the car and gone up. I didn't.

We later found out that Danny was a few blocks away, as he was running late to his meeting, something he very rarely did. Danny is now married with a daughter, and living out in San Francisco.

Meghan and I reflected, the other night, on just how much had happened since the attacks. Besides the obviously political, social, and military actions, just what had happened in our lives. She graduated high school and joined me at Drexel. We both graduated from college, got engaged, and moved in with each other. I've since started my masters degree. We both work for Lockheed Martin, in a town pretty far from where we grew up.

The world certainly changed, that day. For just the victims...everyone. It makes you realize just how much happens in 24 hours, or, in the case of the World Trade Center, 102 minutes.

Thursday, August 24, 2006


Dumbest movie concept EVAR!!! But, it makes for good parody!

US is helping rebuild Lebanon?

I heard this morning on FoxNews that the US was going to contribute a significant portion of the funding for the Lebanese rebuilding efforts. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find a "print" version of the story.

Anyway, you've got to be freaking kidding me! I mean, these people are nothing but terrorists! Even if the civilians are not members of Hizbollah, they do nothing to stop the terrorist organization, and they harbor them in their homes! Why should the US taxpayer put the money out there to rebuild this nation? Can you even really call them a nation? In reality, their government is so ineffectual and unable to either care for their people or stop the violence their people face, that I don't believe they can even qualify for country status.

When is President Bush going to learn? The US people don't want to pay for international rebuilding efforts. We don't even want to pay to rebuild New Orleans! We want to choose what to do with our own money, not let it be spent in ways that does not benefit us. As much as I supported him in the 2004 election, I have to start drawing the line. He's just another tax and spend politician, and he's leading the Republicans into the quagmire that is statist politics.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

McKinney lost...but who's to blame?

If you listen to her, electronic voting machines, state runoff elections, the mainstream media, and Republicans are to blame for the fact that she lost her primary. She maintains, in this article, that state elections commissioners do not require paper records to be kept of electronic voting, which is one of the main reasons she lost by 18% in last week's primary election.

Really? I thought maybe it had to do with the fact that she punched a security guard in DC and make all kinds of wild allegations about why it happened. Silly me...

Friday, July 28, 2006

The UN says the US uses the death penalty disproportionately.

Fuck You, UN.

We kill because we care. Seriously.

We care about the sanctity of life in the United States, but we recognize when a wicked person should no longer live. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Anyone who kills someone for any reason other than self-defense should be put to death. Anyone who rapes someone, man or woman, should be put to death. Anyone who sexually molests a youngster, male or female, should be put to death. That is all.

Absentee blogger.

Sorry about that, guys. I haven't been around in a few days, as I've just started working my new job, and I'm still getting the lay of the land. I'm not about a mile down the road from my old stomping grounds, on a borrowed laptop, waiting to get mine.

The nice thing about starting a new job is that you essentially get a week or two of respite to just veg, where you have pretty much ZERO responsibility. The bad part, is that you have to actually learn your new job and all the systems that are associated with it, then start doing the job. Those couple weeks are great, though.

I ended up having to join a union, which, I'll admit, is both bogus and sad. (Points if you can guess the movie...) The Association of Scientists and Professional Engineering Personnel is a Lockheed Martin MS2 only "union" that, from what I've gathered, does not operate like a normal union. I get all kinds of crazy perks from being union, and they don't strike or bitch about stupid stuff like normal blue-collar unions do...its only costing me like $6/week, anyway. From their literature, 92% of all the engineers and scientists at MS2 are members...I guess I'm just going with the crowd.

Seamus is doing well...I went to a training class last night to get some information, and ended up enrolling. Its just a basic puppy manners and behaviors class, and it lasts six weeks. Our first real class is next Thursday at 7 PM, so I'll be sure to have some pictures. After I got out of the class, the skies opened up, and you'd have thought that you'd be struck by lightning, just cause. The sky was lit up like the the Fourth of July. Seamus didn't cry once. He's such a good dog.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Live local music.

Meghan and I went to see a band my buddy Rick is playing with, called Quick Step John. They're a slower, softer rock band, very much the opposite of what I normally listen to. Not that that's a bad thing, really. These guys were very, very talented. The sound and light show that they have set up is absolutely amazing. Their music is pretty mellow, with somewhat of a U2 vibe. The weird part of the band is that there are really only two members. My buddy Rick is playing drums for them, but the "main" members, I would guess, are a guitarist/singer and a keyboardist. When they do live shows, much of the backing band is pre-recorded, so when you hear the bass guitar, you're really hearing something that was laid down in a studio. Pretty nifty, if you ask me. They also have layers upon layers of guitar harmonies and such.

The first band that played last night was called Overlook, and they were a light, Oasis/Radiohead type band. These guys were also extremely talented. I wasn't too impressed by their music, but that's just because, as I said, I don't listen to soft rock. A good rock show for me involves tons of distortion, amps turned up to 11, and hopefully, if I'm lucky, a set of bagpipes. Anywhoooo...

The second band was called Pawnshop Roses, I think. These guys were cool! They reminded me a lot of a Black Crowes/Rolling Stones/Tom Petty mix with some Stevie Ray Vaughn thrown in to taste. The guitar work that these guys did was just amazing. Great rhythm riffs and awesome solos. And dude, the singer had mutton chops. That's just plain cool.

The show was at the Grape Street Pub in Manayunk, PA, and was hosted by WMMR, a kick ass Philadelphia rock station. We had a great time, but I'm definitely paying for it this morning. I am tired as hell! Daddy needs some sleep!

Thursday, July 20, 2006

New job.

My new job is starting on Monday. I'll be moving down the road a bit, over to Lockheed's "Main Plant" to start the database administrator job. I'm very excited but very nervous.

See, at this point, I've been in my current position for 53 weeks. While I was waiting for my security clearance, I had to sit in a crappy cube in a crappy building for two weeks, doing abso-fucking-lutely nothing. Once I finally got my clearance, they brought me over here, a secure building, and I started to learn the ropes. It took me three weeks just to know where half the equipment in this place is, and it took me six months to get a good grip on how the combat systems function. Now, a year later, I'm finally comfortable in my job. I'm at the point now that when someone makes a mistake, I can tell them so. Further, when someone really fucks something up, I can finally come down on them and give them some shit.

Sure, I'll never have the technical aptitude about these systems that BD has, since that guy has been working on this shit forever. He and a few other people were instrumental in making me feel comfortable in this building, and getting me the knowledge I needed to do my job. So I thank them at this point. Its been great working with you all, and if I can ever repay the debt, let me know. I'll buy the first round.

Its going to be weird...when I go to work on Monday, I'll be in training, and then all of a sudden, I'll have new things to people to friendships to make. But, I'm really going to miss this place. Its so unique, in the sense that there are only like five such places on the entire freakin' EARTH! I'll still be working with some of the engineers here, but in a much removed role.

Its all for the better, though. I won't have to work silly ass shifts anymore...better pay...better benefits...better track for advancement. Yeah, this will work nicely.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


I stole this from LL...figured I'd give anyone who reads this a better insight into what makes me tick.

What is something that makes you ANGRY?
I hate it when you train someone on something, and they keep telling you the understand what they've been told, over and over again, but they just won't do their job correctly. Not something I've had to deal with at my current job, but in past jobs...let's just say its been a problem.

What is your favorite ALCOHOLIC drink?
I would think it would be Hofbrau Munchen Hefe-Weizen beer. It's a great imported German wheat beer. Check it out if you ever see it. They also have a good Dunkles-Weizen (dark wheat beer) that you can get around me.

What is your BIRTHDATE?
February 19th. I'll be 24 next year...ick.

Do you have any BIRTHMARKS?

What are your CAREER aspirations?
I'm trying to do the whole "master of the universe" thing. I was lucky enough to do well in college and start a few levels above the bottom of the barrel. Hopefully at some point, I'll be identified as "high-potential" and be moved into a leadership development program, then thrown into a management track. I'd like to be a director or VP at some point, but owning my own business would be fly as hell.

Have you ever seen a CORPSE?
3. My great-aunt, my great-grandmother, and my friend, Jon Duchatellier, who was murdered three years ago. Miss you, man...

What is your favorite DESSERT?
Now that I'm all down in the dumps about that...umm...cookie dough ice cream.

When its your time, how would you like to DIE?
Going 200 miles per hour, with my hair on fire.

If you were an EVIL character, what would your name be?
Snidely Whiplash.

Have you ever set FIRE to anything?
I couldn't count the things. I've set brush fires, grass fires...fireworks...tons of stuff.

What’s your best FLIRTY line?
I don't know what a flirty line is.

What food turns you into a complete GLUTTON?
A nice, rare, aged steak...NY strip. Must be made properly, though, with just a little fat on the edges...mmm...

What is the best GIFT you have ever gotten?
My girlfriend said she'd marry me. Even though I didn't receive anything material, that was the best minute of my life.

What is your definition of HAPPINESS?
Being with the person I love, doing something I love.

Who do you HATE more: Paris Hilton or Jessica Simpson?
Paris Hilton. Jessica Simpson is just as dumb, but she had to do something for her money. And besides, she's gorgeous. Paris Hilton looks like a fish in a John Kerry shirt.

Who do you think is the biggest village IDIOT?
I really think its Ward Churchill.

State an INTERESTING fact about yourself.
I've had two hernia surgeries. Shaving your pubes really sucks.

What is the worst JOB you have ever had?
Waiter at a shitty diner. Everyone told me how they'd walk about with 50 or 60 bucks a night in tips. I made $2.15/hour and if I was lucky, made $20 in tips...amounting to less than minimum wage. And the manager was an asshole, to boot.

What is your favorite piece of JEWELRY?
My cheap silver ring that my fiancee gave me, like seven years ago. Its being retired this November in favor of a tungsten carbide wedding ring.

KARAOKE: love it or hate it?
I've always got music in my head...I can't sing, but I love to, so what do you think?

How do you feel about having KIDS?
I want three...two boys and a girl. No ideas on the boys names, but I want the girl to be named Emma Lynn.

Who is the great LOVE of your life?

What would you like to LEARN how to do?
Swordfight. With broadswords.

What is your favorite childhood MEMORY?
Camping and fishing up in Cooperstown, NY with my dad.

If you had MINIONS, what would you order them to do first?
Minions? Hmm...if they were mechanically inclined minions, I'd have them install a V8 Continental motor in my Sable...

How many daily NAPS do you need?
I work from 5 AM - 1 PM. I would like to take an afternoon nap, however, a certain puppy, which will remain nameless, does not see it that way.

Ever accidentally exposed your own or someone else’s NIPPLE?
All the time! There aren't many people that know me that haven't seen my nipples.

Do you think OUIJA boards are really controlled by the devil?
Those things are bullshit.

Describe something ODD about you.
I have to shave all the way down to my collar line, because I get random hairs that pop up in between the bottom of my beard and my chest hair.

What are you really PICKY about?
Kids actin' the foo while they're in public...and parents that do nothing about it but promise to buy them more shit.

Have you ever been to PRISON?,
Hell no.

Name something you can do really QUICKLY

Who do you QUARREL with the most?
Probably my mother.

If someone held you for RANSOM, how much do you think you are worth?
Maybe a grand or so.

What is your current RELATIONSHIP status?
I'll be married on November 18th.

Which of the SEVEN deadly SINS most applies to you?
Probably pride. I'm a hardheaded fuck.

Which would you rather not have in your home: a SPIDER or a SNAKE?
They can both hang out in my place, although Meg would freak if I brought a spider home. Now, put me near a scorpion or a centipede, and I'll cry like a little bitch with a skinned knee.

What experience felt like complete TORTURE?
Laying around after my second hernia operation. They did it through my belly button, and because of it, they pump you full of air. The air pushed on your diaphragm, which in turn causes referred pain to your shoulders. I swear that it felt like God himself was squeezing my shoulders...for hours!

What is the first THOUGHT you have waking up?
Fuck. It's 4:20 and the dog needs to pee.

What is the color of the UNDERWEAR you are wearing right now?
Yellow boxers with blue hibiscus flowers.

What is your most UNFLATTERING feature?
My fat ass.

Who do you think is the best VILLAIN of all time?
Darth Vader...nubian guy.

"What's a nubian"

What makes you feel VULNERABLE?
Not being in control.

Which would you rather have: unlimited WEALTH or unlimited WISDOM?
Wealth. With wealth can come wisdom.

If you could rule the WORLD, would you?
I doubt it. I'd probably kill a bunch of people, then get overthrown. Not a good idea.

Who is your favorite X-MEN character?
Gambit. He was a total badass, and they shoudl have had him in one of the movies, but the pussies didn't.

Have you ever had an X-RAY?
Yeah, unfortunately. I actually have to go get one for my back soon.

What do you YEARN for?
A 1970 Boss 429 Grabber Blue.

Who do you think looks more like a YETI?
I'll agree with LL...Robin Williams.

What is your ZODIAC sign?
Pisces, although I'm on the cusp of Aquarius. I don't believe in that crap anyway.

What has been the ZENITH of your life?
Getting engaged.

NYTimes. Fucked.

On a more serious note (not that Chuck Norris facts aren't serious), the NYTimes look to be totally fucked these days. They're losing ground faster than Roseanne Barr in a foot race. For years, the internet has allowed people to access the news THEY want to see, not what the mainstream media (msm) wants them to see. People have used this power to cut through the crap and see the real news, much of it, broken by bloggers, and covered with my better accuracy, I might add.

Unfortunately for the NYTimes, LA Times, etc, they haven't gotten the fact that people don't want to read the bullshit articles about it being evil to be an American. They don't want to read about Maureen Dowd's clitoris. People want news, they want it accurate, they want it unbiased, and they want it now.

Bear in mind, the NYTimes website offers a lot, but its a subscription site. Although its free, you have to log in to view articles. What the fuck is up with that? Why would I log in and view the NYT when I can just hit up Foxnews, CNN, MSNBC, or about a thousand different news organizations? Now, I'm not here saying that CNN or MSNBC are on par with Foxnews. That's just ludicrous. In fact, they're losing readership faster Bill Clinton could eat a smoked sausage sandwich. And Foxnews isn't perfect, mind you. Most of their hosts present the news, then they have a lib and a conservative battle it out for a few minutes, usually giving some sort of preference to the conservative. The point, though, is that Foxnews actually presents news as what it, the NYTimes, etc al, tend to present the author or anchor's opinion on the situation, as news. This, my friends, is wrong, and is why the msm keeps losing viewers and readers.

Back to the point, the NYTimes announced yesterday that they were going to close a press plant in Edison, NJ, up near where I used to live. My father is a pressman for the Asbury Park Press, a Gannet newspaper, really just another piece of shite news organization, and while talking to him about it yesterday, he mentioned that the facility they're closing was only opened in 2002, and to buy the building, the presses, and actually get it operational, was probably somewhere in the neighborhood of $30-50 million. Not only that, but the NYTimes announced that they're shrinking the size of their newspaper by 5%, to cut costs. Where will they be in 5 years if they don't stop pandering to the liberal elite and start addressing the concerns of mainstream America?

Chuck Norris facts.

I got an email with most of these about 7 months ago, but some of these are new, and they crack my ass up!

Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll introduce you to your biological father.

Chuck Noris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.

Chuck Norris fights illiteracy one North Vietnamese at a time

Once plugged into the Matrix, it took Chuck Norris 6 minutes to do what it took Neo 3 movies to accomplish. He also beat Super Mario Bros in under 60 seconds while he was there.

Most reported Bigfoot sightings are just Chuck Norris with his shirt off. Loch Ness sightings, on the other hand, are Chuck with his pants off.

There are two kinds of people in this world: People who are Chuck Norris, and people who are going to die.

When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he does not push himself up. He pushes the Earth down.

The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.

Newton's fourth law of physics: Don't fuck with Chuck Norris.

After taking the first steps on the moon and saying the immortal words, "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind", Neil Armstrong looked to his right, only to see Chuck Norris there on the moon, sitting on a lawn chair drinking a beer. "Giant leap, my ass", Chuck replied.

Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.

If you don't know who your biological father is, it's probably Chuck Norris.

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas

Chuck Norris knows a wrong way to eat a Reeses.

Anyone can piss on the bathroom floor, but Chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling.

Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris.”

Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."

One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to stop bullets becuase they know better.

A man was once stranded on the side of the road after his car ran out of gas. Chuck Norris drove by, got out, and looked the man in the eye. The man knew that everything would be fine. Then Chuck proceeded to piss into the man's gas tank and to this very day that man has never had to fill his gas tank up again. That was 14 years ago.

Chuck Norris does not know about this site. Otherwise he would have deleted the internet.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.

Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people was just too easy.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to digest his food because he scares the crap out of himself.

Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the fuck he wants.

The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

Chuck Norris could have any woman he wants, but he has never had sex. He only masturbates because the only person good enough to have sex with Chuck is Chuck.

The jackhammer was invented after a construction worker saw Chuck Norris having sex.

Chuck Norris does not need a condom. He believes they are not needed, as his sperm know that no woman is good enough to have his children.

President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

Chuck Norris only does the Total Gym infomercials as community service for killing old people and babies.

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris' big cock theory of space-time".

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

It is widely known that Chuck Norris does not know the meaning of the word "Pain". What is not widely known is that this is not due to any manner of superior physical fortitude, but rather his crippling illiteracy. He does, however, know the meaning of the term "Cleveland Steamer" which he uses on a nearly daily basis.

Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once ate a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank thee kegs and shit on their floor, just 'cause.

Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris went into a hospital. When they asked him what was wrong, Norris replied "I've got disco fever," and then he killed eight paramedics.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris killed Mcgyver by making a set of nun-chucks using newspaper, two toothpicks, a womans weave, and a 3 legged dog.

In 1989, Phil Collins challenged Chuck Norris to a drinking contest. Collins passed out after the 6th shot of moonshine. Chuck Norris went on to drink 12 more shots and a pint of antifreeze just to prove Collins a pussy. This, of course, led to the fall of the Berlin Wall later that year.

Chuck Norris doesn't trust mirrors because there can only be one Chuck.

For every time the phrase "roundhouse kick" appears on this website, Chuck Norris will bomb an African village.

There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris doesn't love Raymond.

Chuck Norris' DNA is 90 percent denim.

Chuck Norris met with a teenage drug and alcohol awareness diversion group last week. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris uses live sharks as condoms.

Chuck Norris once bench pressed Texas. He then found himself with an enormous appetite, so he decided to eat Rosanne Barr. Alive.

Chuck Norris is no longer a noun, it is a verb.

Germans suffered 4 millon casualties during World War 2. 80% were roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris, the rest ate nails to avoid the suffering.

Hiroshima was actually Chuck Norris pissing from a plane

The soft drink beverage known as Mountain Dew is actually made entirely of Chuck Norris' urine. When you look at it through a microscope, you can see billions of microscopic Chucks, all waiting to roundhouse kick the shit out of your sperm.

In the early 1500s, Chuck Norris began a staring contest with Michelangelo's "David". He hasn't blinked since.

Chuck Norris keeps his beard trim by running through barbed wire fences every morning.

Chuck Norris' family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.

Chuck Norris doesnt look at the toilet paper after he wipes.

Chuck Norris was the inspiration for Donkey Kong, HD-TV, and waterslides. Yes, waterslides.

The earth did not start spinning until Chuck Norris gave it a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris flosses his teeth with babies.

In the early 1980s, Chuck Norris took a ragtag team of lovable losers and turned them into the state football champions. During their victory celebrations, he walked up to the star quarterback and snapped his neck to teach the rest of the team a valuable lesson about the mortality of man.

Chuck Norris was pissing on 14 year old girls YEARS before R Kelly.

For one day, muscle and beard were living entities, and they conceived Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

Chuck Norris killed the Pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris.

Christopher Walken kept a watch up his ass for 4 years. Chuck Norris kept Christopher Walken up his ass for 12.

Chuck Norris is God's apology for the Holocaust.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.

On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."

Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight. Not because he is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

When faced with a difficult situation, Jesus asks himself, "What would Chuck Norris do?"

Every time Chuck Norris wears pants a warrant is issued for his arrest. The charge is always "carrying a concealed weapon".

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Whenever Chuck Norris's wife asks him nicely to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Using only a couple of ordinary roofing nails and his fist as a hammer, Chuck Norris was able to convert a live bald eagle into a badass hood ornament for his monster truck.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

God refers to Chuck Norris as "Sir."

Jesus accepts Chuck Norris as his personal savior.

The term "carnivore" was invented after Chuck Norris was spotted at a carnival eating babies.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

The only reason sperm whales are named as they are is because Chuck Norris named them that when he dicovered they were the only animals that could deep throat him.

Chuck Norris' sidekick on Walker Texas Ranger isn't black, he's bruised.

In 1959 Stephen Hawking became the first and only person to outsmart Chuck Norris. He learned his lesson.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

All women love Chuck Norris because the mere thought of his beard creates an explosion of desire and passion in their vaginas.

Chuck Norris circumcised himself. At birth. With his bare hands.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Pokerdespite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades, and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if you have an erection that lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris commits suicide on Friday evenings just to spice up the weekends.

Chuck Norris is 100% positive that probability does not exist.

Chuck Norris masturbates to pictures of himself masturbating.

Chuck Norris invented the moon. Twice.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Blogging at work.

I was over at Lil' Toni's site earlier, watching the three videos she had posted of Acidman's interview on his local Fox affiliate, about being forced into early retirement because he posted some things about a coworker on his blog.

It got me to thinking...I've said some things on here about people I work with...maybe a few I shouldn't have. Should I now, knowing what I saw in those videos, go back and erase or edit what I said months ago? I'm not sure.

It begs the question of whether or not what you write on the internet is truely anonymous. I mean, everyone on the internet is logged in some way. IP addresses can easily trace a physical computer, and if you know anything about the TCP/IP stack and how the internet works, you truely understand that nothing, and I mean nothing is ever really anonymous. Even with IP spoofing programs, there's always a way to track IP addresses and determine what someone's real address is. From there, its a very short hop to determine where they are located. But I digress.

The point of my post is whether or not I should, or anyone should, worry about what they post on he internet. Sure, its written and stored. There are copies of this on dozens of servers, probably on tape backups that will sit in a storage facility for years to come. Should anyone really be completely forthcoming on the internet? Do you really want someone to be able to bring up something you said ten years earlier?

Imagine this...Bane decides he wants to run for office. Let's just say he could get the funding to wage an effective campaign, and get the nod from whatever party he wanted. What would happen when someone read his blog and tied it to him? He'd be lambasted in the msm as a racist, homophobe, bigot, sexist, facist, etc, etc, etc. So why would someone put themselves out there like they do?

I mean, I know that I'm holding back when I write. I realize that something, somewhere, will come back to bite me in the ass. All I need is the wrong person reading this (not that anyone really does) and I'm up the proverbial creek.

Anyway, I really admire writers that can put themselves out there completely and not hold anything back. I hope that some of the people that do so don't end up being screwed by family and friends, like LL has, or by their company, like Acidman was.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Student loan repayment.

I can't stand dealing with student loan repayment people. I think they hire the few people who were too stupid to get a job at Walmart, stick them all in one call center, and smack them on the heads with canoe paddles all day long. They are just that damn retarded. And you have to deal with them after you've been on hold for twenty freaking minutes.


Crazy weekend, huh?

The Northeast US is embroiled (and I do mean broiled) in a heat wave. The last few days have been 90+. My trusty Firefox/ applet is telling me that today is supposed to be 99, and tomorrow is supposed to be 98. I blame George W. Bush for global warming. Right...

The Israelis are really giving it to the Palestinians. To tell you the truth, I haven't been following this story closely, and have no idea WHY the shit hit the fan recently. All I know is that I hope Israel finally wipes the sand clean of these fuckers, then starts on Iran. We all know that if Israel goes after Iran, the US will be right behind them. Hell, maybe the French will even send a brigade or two, you know...just to make it look like they're doing something after Chirac came out with all his threats and promises over the Iran nukes. I doubt it, though.

The Mets hit two grand slam home runs in their game against the Cubs last night. Meg and I were watching Braveheart, and in between Seamus pee breaks, I would switch over to the game. At one point, there was no score. Then, it was 0-5, Cubs. Then 2-5, Cubs. Then, all of a sudden, 13-5, Mets. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? A grand slam from Cliff Floyd, a grand slam from Carlos Beltran, a two run shot from David Wright, 40 minutes, and 70 pitches later, and the Mets have put up 11 runs in one inning, a new team record!

The Hooters CEO died this weekend...

Pete Coors, President of Coors Brewing Company, lost his license for drunk driving this last week. Funny, though, that Patrick Kennedy only got a year's probation and a $350 fine for his recent DUI/accident. Hmmm...I wonder if Mary Jo Kopechne would have anything to say about the Kennedys driving drunk?

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Seamus got sick!

Yesterday afternoon, I had to take Seamus to the vet to get his next round of shots, which included his rabies vaccination and his third distemper. After his shots, he got a round of deworming medicine, and I gave him his next heartworm preventative pill. When we left, he and I went to my dad's house, which is near the vets, so that Seamus could play with my dad's boxer, Rocky. The two of them are the best of buds. Its gotten to the point that if my dad comes to my place and plays with Seamus, then goes home, Rocky won't leave him alone for like a half hour, because he smells Seamus on him. The two of them are inseparable when we're over there. Anywho.

Around 5:45, my fiancee got home, and I was cooking dinner...Seamus was acting like he normally does, saying hello, doing his stupid little dance near the front door when mommy comes home. Nothing out of the ordinary. 6:25 rolls around, and all of a sudden, he's very lethargic and totally uninterested in playing or even being petted. Weird. At the vets, they technician showed me how to hold him down to immobilize him, so that we can cut his nails. I went to show Meghan, and I hit his left hind leg, which made him scream. I look at him, and see that he has a knot the size of a golf ball in his thigh. I pull him towards me and touch the knot again, and he screams. So, being the good "father" that I am, I call the vet and ask them. I explain that he was in earlier, and now he has a huge lump in his thigh. They say to bring him in, and they'll look at it, then ask if he had shots when he was in. I say, why yes, he did!

The way to the vets was pretty uneventful. My driving was pretty typical, 20+ MPH over the speed limit, and taking corners like only an amateur road racer can do. Halfway through the trip, though, Seamus decided it was time to upchuck. I swear to everything that is Holy, that this dog threw up at least five times his body weight. IT. WAS. EVERYWHERE. Meghan's in the backseat with him, and thank the Lord we had a towel back there. She filled it. And didn't get it all.

We got him to the vet, and they took a look at him. Their diagnosis was that he had an allergic reaction to something called "Lepto" in one of the vaccines he was given earlier. They gave him a shot of benadryl and a shot of adrenaline, then gave us two medicines, benadryl and an anti-inflammatory, to give him for the next three days.

We was slow and tired last night, as they said he would be after the shots. This morning, he was wide awake and ready to play; completely back to his normal self. Unfortunately, one of the medicines he was given has a side-effect that causes him to drink and pee in insane amounts. Meghan said he had to follow him around constantly this morning because he was peeing so much.

Ah...the life of a pet owner. All told, $125 to put the shots in, $62 to repair the "damage," and a roll of paper towels to clean up the puke...

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I am a hurt piece.

First and foremost, happy 4th of July, belated, of course. I was too busy lighting things on fire and searing the flesh of innocent cows yesterday afternoon to get on here and post properly.

Second, I had to move this weekend. I absolutely hate moving. Our lease is up on July 31st (in the old apartment) and we had found and awesome new condo to move into, so we moved. Unfortunately, we're paying for rent on two apartments this month, but this new one will save us significant money in the longer term.

Saturday was spent moving, all day. We picked the truck up around 7:30 AM, and it was dropped off at 5 PM. Much back breaking labor ensued during those hours, and it continued on into the night. I think we went bed around 10 or 11 that night, thoroughly exhausted. We bought new couches on Friday, and picked them up on Saturday morning. We didn't take them out of the plastic until yesterday evening, and lo and behold, one of them has a 1" rip in the "shoulder" of the couch. Man, am I pissed. Now, I have to try to deal with the store, who isn't a major retailer, more of a bargain basement type seller, who sometimes has very nice new pieces at cut prices. We'll see how that goes.

Sunday, we went up to a BBQ at my mom's house...drank lots of beer, ate lots of clams, hot dogs, mexican dip, kielbasa, did a few shots (who knew that black Sambuca was that tasty?) and generally just had a great time. The little Seamus went for a few swims in my mom's pool, and had a ball playing with all the kids.

Monday, we had to paint. Of course, this would have been easier, had we not moved all our crap into the new apartment. If I hate moving, I loathe painting. I'm terrible at it. Plain and simple. I can't apply an even coat for my life. Nuff' said.

Yesterday, we hit up my dad's house for ribs and clams. We brought 150 mahogany littleneck clams, which we promptly devoured, and we had some beer and margaritas. A good time on our nation's birthday. We fired off about a hundred bottlerockets, played with the dogs, got caught in the rain. Team Italy beat team Germany in the World Cup (which I admittedly don't watch...) The Mets came from behind to beat the Pirates.

It was a good day.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Happy 4th of July Weekend!

I'll be moving tomorrow, and partying all weekend otherwise, so there probably won't be anything out of me until Wednesday morning. Hope you all have a good weekend, and enjoy your 4th!

Happy birthday to America, and to freedom, and please, remember why we celebrate this day. It isn't just to get wasted. It's to celebrate the birth of a nation, a "shining beacon on a hill".

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Mexican serial killer is executed.

And we let these people into the country...why?

I'm glad they killed the guy. As I said in my last post, there are three types of people that make me want to kill, personally. On that note, there are three types of people I think should be killed automatically, once they are convicted, of course: murders (unprovoked, non-self-defense), rapists, and child molesters. I don't think there should be appeals processes. I don't think you should sit for 10 years. I believe that the day you're convicted, you're taken out back and hanged. It isn't curle and unusual from my point of view.

This guy needs his ass beat.

Read. And be outraged.

Seriously...there are three groups of people that make me want to kill: rapists. child molesters. wife beaters.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Clowns protesting nukes?

I found this over at HateTaxes' blog.

These peaceniks actually thought they could do something to the 110-ton door of a nuclear missile silo? I mean, it's 110-fucking-tons of hardened composite steel.

This is what bothers me about the whole story:

These people were actually able to get near one of our nuke silos. I'm not worried that they'd be able the damage one. They wouldn't have been able to penetrate the underground launch facility, and they certainly wouldn't have been able to break through the aforementioned blast door, provided they were properly secured. What I'm worried about is the foolish maintenance guy, making $10 an hour, forgetting to lock the doors behind him. I'm sure there are layers and layers of security interlocks, but let's just, for one second, assume that there is a lock, and that's it. Could one of these peaceniks, or better yet, an islamic jihadist be able to get in, and set off the weapon? I know they couldn't launch one, since it takes multiple code confirmations, and an order directly from the President, but think of the Hunt for Red October. If someone knew what they were doing, they'd be able to blow a missile up in the silo, theoretically, right?

The bigger question did they even get near the silo? I've seen documentaries on the Minot base, and there are miles between silos. MILES. I wouldn't make the assumption that there would be a fence that runs around the entire Minot base, because it's simply HUGE. But, I would make an assumption that there would be multiple layers of fences around each silo and around each underground launch center. Further, I would make the assumption that it wouldn't take minutes for security personnel to get there. I figure that they must have cameras out the ass up there. If they saw these yahoos driving up an access road, why weren't they being tailed the entire way?

Maybe we need a congressional probe into our nation's nuclear security. Or not.

Anyway, HateTaxes took the high road on nukes. He doesn't believe that any rational person would, or ever should seriously contemplate using them in a role other than as a deterrent. The problem with that rationale is that when your enemy knows you are unwilling to do what is necessary, they will go one step further than you are willing to go. Knowing that we were unable, in Vietnam, to send the necessary number of troops and lay waste to the countryside, Biblical-like, the Vietcong did what was necessary on their end to fight us. In the end, they won because politicians in the US swayed from public opinion, and withdrew their support, keeping their tails between their legs. We SHOULD have decimated the Vietcong. Sure, they had Soviet support, but if US politicians had done what was NECESSARY, ie- send in the appropriate number of troops and support them with money and materiel, we'd have whooped some major ass.

Back to nukes...although nuking a nation would be pretty devastating to the entire world, it may become necessary at some point. When WWII got really out of hand, and we were fighting the Japanese on EACH AND EVERY PACIFIC island, losing Marines left and right, plus dealing with the kamikazes, what did we do? Doolittle firebombed Tokyo. When that didn't work, what did we do? What was necessary. We dropped two bombs, tiny by today's standards, and decimated two entire cities. One of them was even mis-dropped, and it still had the intended effect. So what I'm saying, is that at some point islamofacists are going to get out of hand. Iran and North Korea are going to get out of hand. They're going to start testing nukes of their own. Then what do we do? Sit by and let "diplomacy" take care of business? I don't think so. We fight fire with fire, and teach them a damn lesson. Let God sort out who was right and who was wrong. But, I don't want 10 million US citizens dying because that crazy motherfucker, Kim Jong Il, decides that he wants to show the world what a petulant little boy with a magnifying glass can do to a few million ants.

Monday, June 26, 2006

I got that job!

Late last week, I got a call from the hiring manager that I got the job I was trying for. It's a UNIX Admin/Database Admin job. It should be a significant step up in pay (I hope), it brings me over to Lockheed Martin's MS2 division, which is both more prestigious and better compensated, and it gets me off shift work.

See, when I interviewed for this job, I was told that I would have to work some weekends and occasional shifts. After I had been here for a couple months, my former manager called and told me that I'd have to work 1-9 PM. Then, we went through this whole mess back in December, where our manager cut our shift differentials by making us come in at times when we would not be eligible for them. I had to work 12:30 - 8:30 PM for a couple of weeks, but after an ethics investigation, we got our differential back, and were transferred to a different (much better) manager. Shortly thereafter, someone devised a rotating shift schedule so that the night shift wouldn't be one person year round.

What did that mean for me? I got put on night shift for three months, and worked 4 PM - 12 AM. That totally sucked. Once I put my time in there, I went to work from 5 AM - 1 PM, which I'm on right now. It's really a good shift, but because I don't like to go to bed early, and the dog is such a hassle right now, I only sleep like 3-4 hours per night, and after almost three months, it has caught up with me. I'm constantly dragging my ass. The worst part about it is that when I have the ability to grab eight solid hours of sleep, I feel like crap the rest of the day, because my body wants more. Starting July 31st, I would go back on the 4 PM shift, and I just can't have that.

So, once I got a line on that position from Meika, I jumped on it, and they decided to offer it to me. I still haven't gotten the numbers yet, but it should be a good bump. If its not more than what I make now, plus my 10% shift differential, I won't take it. As much as I need to get off the shifts, I can't take a pay cut, even for better quality of life. The way I have it figured out, based on the information I've gotten from the manager, I'm going to get an almost 15% raise out of this (5% if you factor in my shift differential). That would be very nice...very nice, indeed. Maybe then I can get one of these:

Friday, June 23, 2006

So you have a new missile, North Korea?

Well we have the answer!

The AEGIS Ballistic Missile Defense team had another successful live fire test shot yesterday. If I recall correctly, AEGIS BMD is 7 for 8 in live fire exercises, and is the most successful of any of the active test programs. Phased implementation is beginning on US AEGIS Cruisers and Destroyers, and Japan's BMD program is starting to ramp up.

Lockheed Martin is the prime contractor for this program, and we do a lot of testing on it in the building that I work at. Usually, when there is a live fire exercise, this place is jumping, and all the suits from across the street are here. As far as I know, this place was quiet during the exercise...I wonder why. My cousin also works on this system for Northrop Grumman, down at the AEGIS training facility in Dahlgren, Virginia.

The USS Shiloh detected a medium-range target after it was launched from the Pacific Missile Range Facility on Kauai, then fired a Standard Missile-3 interceptor.

The interceptor shot down the target warhead after it separated from its rocket booster, more than 100 miles above the Pacific Ocean and 250 miles northwest of Kauai, the Missile Defense Agency said in a statement.

Here's another article.
And one more...

I'm glad this is actually getting some press, especially with other important events in the news today. The program is really cool, and it actually works. People think that these tests have just been a dummy missile lobbed up, with the crews of the ships in full awareness of what the mission profile is. In reality, the crews know there will be a missile firing. That is all. They don't know the time, heading, altitude, and aren't informed when the missile fires. They need to detect it on their own, develop the firing solution, then launch their bird and pray that it hits. This is as close to an operational system as it gets.

As I said earlier, the AEGIS BMD system is much more successful than THAAD, the Theater High Altitude Air Defense system, designed by the Army to knock down long range ICBMs. But soon, THAAD and BMD will combine in an operational system, able to knock down whatever those North Korean bastards try to throw at us...or anyone else, for that matter. Unless they nuke the French. Fuck the French.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

I'm a Guinness.

You Are Guinness

You know beer well, and you'll only drink the best beers in the world.
Watered down beers disgust you, as do the people who drink them.
When you drink, you tend to become a bit of a know it all - especially about subjects you don't know well.
But your friends tolerate your drunken ways, because you introduce them to the best beers around.

Illegal Alien watch.

. . . "officers 'saw Garcia sexually assaulting a 28-pound, 14- to 16-week-old dog of mixed breed,' according to the sheriffs office.

This is just too fucking sick. Will they deport him? No. Will they follow through to trial? No. The democrats will come out in his defense, saying that he was born with a natural inclination towards puppy ass and that he has the right, as an illegal alien, to a fair shake. Then, they'll make him a citizen. Fuckers.

When will the apologists finally learn? These people do not deserve to be here, don't understand our culture, and have no desire to assimilate and learn anything about us! Deport them.

The greatest play in baseball history.

This is a video clip of Rick Monday, center fielder for the Chicago Cubs, stealing an American flag that was about to be burned by two anti-American types, at Dodger Stadium, in 1976. He's a hero because of it.

Jose Reyes hits for the cycle!

Well, the Mets lost last night, but so did everyone else that matters. The cool part is that Jose Reyes, the Mets soon-to-be All-Star shortstop, hit for the cycle. Reyes had a lead off homerun, the fourth in his career, hit a double in the third inning, a tripe in the fifth, and a single in the eighth inning. He's also riding a 9 game hitting streak, in which he's batting .489. Badass!

Hitting for the cycle isn't as rare as, say, pitching a perfect game, or even a no-hitter, but it only happens once or twice per year. In fact, since the Mets have been in existence (1962), only eight Mets have hit for the cycle. Reyes is number nine. Some of the greatest hitters of all time, including Babe Ruth, have never done it, and far as I can tell, only two players have ever done it three times, Babe Herman and Bob Meusel.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Behold the inner geek in all of us!

I don't care if you accept yourself as a geek or not, but this is cool! Microsoft released the XBOX360 a few months ago, and already, people are modding it case out. This guy water cooled the entire thing, put in lights, a case window, and much more. I think it looks totally badass! Check it out!

Puppy pictures for LL!

Since LL has wanted to see newer pictures of Seamus, here are a few. I've got many more at home, but I'm at'll have to wait until later. These pictures were taken two days after we got him, while Meghan and I were at a NASCAR race in Dover, Delaware. The little guy stayed with my dad and step-mom for the day and had a blast with their boxer, Rocky, and their great pyrennes, Isabelle. I have many more pictures of him with Rocky from this past weekend, and he's turned into a very rambunctious and playful pup when you put those two together. Anyway, on to the pictures...

Here are Rocky and Seamus playing on the back deck. They've gotten to be very good friends...

Here's the little guy out near my dad's pond. He went swimming in it on Sunday. Just jumped right dad freaked, because the liner would cost over $1,000 to replace.

Here he is, laying down under some plants, after "helping" my step-mom weed.

I don't know what the hell he's doing here...

My favorite picture of him. I'm going to get this blown up to an 8x10 and matted. God, I love this dog!

Notice anything strange in the background of this picture?

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Capt B update

I just took a look at the frontpage for One Marine's View and it looks like Capt B has raised over $2,000 for his "Had Enough" ad, which he will be taking out in a major newspaper in the coming future. He has found that a full page ad in the NY Times costs about $97K, so unless he plans on fundraising for a LONG time, we won't be able to hit that target, but a smaller regional newspaper should be attainable.

Please go over there and help out. It's important that we should the US that we support our men and women in the armed forces, and that we won't be silenced!

Shut Up and Sing!

Michelle Malkin has a great Vent video up about the Dixie Chicks and their constant war against the average US consumer.

I personally hate the Dixie Chicks. Its not just because they hate Americans, its not just because their music sucks...its because they have this ignorant approach to life, hating everyone for hating them, but not allowing anyone to question them or dissent the other way. I mean, I don't give a damn what they say. They could call me Hitler if they wanted to, but the fact of the matter is that their unwillingness to be questioned, and the baffled looks they give when mainstream American boycotts them, just proves that they have no idea what we as Americans want, and further, have no idea what we as CONSUMERS want. Because let's face it, many people don't even see themselves as Americans anymore. They see themselves as members of a global marketplace, and in reality, what does that make them? A consumer. [/off topic]

The Dixie Chicks just don't get it, along with CNN, the NY Times, Pearl Jam, Tim Robbins, Sean Penn, etc. People don't want to be told that they're the great Satan, from their own people. Have credit card, will buy something else.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Bill Gates is stepping down?

...from CNN...

I really can't believe this, but I guess there comes a point in time where you say "fuck it, I've got enough money" and begin to enjoy what's left of your life. Congratulations, Bill. You've earned it.

You can have your stomach removed?


These people have an amazing story...all 11 family members had their stomachs removed over the last couple years, because they were positive for a gene defect that caused stomach cancer. I had no idea you could even LIVE without a stomach. I knew that morbidly obese people could get their stomach stapled, but that just reduces the size of the stomach. This actually REMOVES it! The doctors form a small "pouch" at the bottom of the esaphogus, and attach the top of the small intestine to it. Could you imagine eating two bits of a sandwich and being full?

Thursday, June 15, 2006

What do the Duke rape case and the McKinney case have in common?

They are both being treated incorrectly, for the same reason.

Wendy McElroy has everything right about both these cases. The Duke lacrosse players were prosecuted because they were white, and McKinney is not being prosecuted because she's black. She also has the right idea about what to do about it...prosecute McKinney, drop the charges against Seligmann in the rape case and apologize profusely, and disbar the Duke prosecutor, DA Michael Nifong.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006


So I'm sitting on the can at work, minding my own business, and I'm reading the news and sports headlines on the feed from my pager. Yes, I do read while I'm taking a crap, and although having a pager means you're more or less connected to work 24x7, it's nice to be able to check the Mets score at 4:30, while you're out walking the dog.

Anyway, the news report said the following: "GAO [General Accounting Office] Audit Finds FEMA Funds Spent on Divorce, Sex Change, Vacation for Hurricane Victims"


I had to look into this a little further. Foxnews has a story up about it, CNN has one, so does MSNBC, and I'm sure others do too. $1.4 BILLION in misallocated funds? That's a big chunk of taxpayer dollars, which both you and I spent. I mean, how does this shit happen?

Fox brings news of season football tickets, porn, strippers, vacations, and MSNBC adds the sex change operation. People were scamming the hell out of the government...out of you and me. Will these people ever be brought to justice? No. Why? Because many of them are probably black (hey, I'm just playing the statistics here...Nagin said he wanted to rebuild New Orleans as a "chocolate" city...his words, not mine) and the minute that federal indictments are brought, Je$$e Jack$on will be out in force with the dems, talking about how poor they were, and the indictments are motivated by race and class warfare.

When will our government learn?