Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Chuck Norris facts.

I got an email with most of these about 7 months ago, but some of these are new, and they crack my ass up!

Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll introduce you to your biological father.

Chuck Noris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.

Chuck Norris fights illiteracy one North Vietnamese at a time

Once plugged into the Matrix, it took Chuck Norris 6 minutes to do what it took Neo 3 movies to accomplish. He also beat Super Mario Bros in under 60 seconds while he was there.

Most reported Bigfoot sightings are just Chuck Norris with his shirt off. Loch Ness sightings, on the other hand, are Chuck with his pants off.

There are two kinds of people in this world: People who are Chuck Norris, and people who are going to die.

When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he does not push himself up. He pushes the Earth down.

The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.

Newton's fourth law of physics: Don't fuck with Chuck Norris.

After taking the first steps on the moon and saying the immortal words, "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind", Neil Armstrong looked to his right, only to see Chuck Norris there on the moon, sitting on a lawn chair drinking a beer. "Giant leap, my ass", Chuck replied.

Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.

If you don't know who your biological father is, it's probably Chuck Norris.

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas

Chuck Norris knows a wrong way to eat a Reeses.

Anyone can piss on the bathroom floor, but Chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling.

Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris.”

Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."

One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to stop bullets becuase they know better.

A man was once stranded on the side of the road after his car ran out of gas. Chuck Norris drove by, got out, and looked the man in the eye. The man knew that everything would be fine. Then Chuck proceeded to piss into the man's gas tank and to this very day that man has never had to fill his gas tank up again. That was 14 years ago.

Chuck Norris does not know about this site. Otherwise he would have deleted the internet.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.

Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people was just too easy.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to digest his food because he scares the crap out of himself.

Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the fuck he wants.

The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

Chuck Norris could have any woman he wants, but he has never had sex. He only masturbates because the only person good enough to have sex with Chuck is Chuck.

The jackhammer was invented after a construction worker saw Chuck Norris having sex.

Chuck Norris does not need a condom. He believes they are not needed, as his sperm know that no woman is good enough to have his children.

President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

Chuck Norris only does the Total Gym infomercials as community service for killing old people and babies.

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris' big cock theory of space-time".

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

It is widely known that Chuck Norris does not know the meaning of the word "Pain". What is not widely known is that this is not due to any manner of superior physical fortitude, but rather his crippling illiteracy. He does, however, know the meaning of the term "Cleveland Steamer" which he uses on a nearly daily basis.

Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once ate a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank thee kegs and shit on their floor, just 'cause.

Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris went into a hospital. When they asked him what was wrong, Norris replied "I've got disco fever," and then he killed eight paramedics.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris killed Mcgyver by making a set of nun-chucks using newspaper, two toothpicks, a womans weave, and a 3 legged dog.

In 1989, Phil Collins challenged Chuck Norris to a drinking contest. Collins passed out after the 6th shot of moonshine. Chuck Norris went on to drink 12 more shots and a pint of antifreeze just to prove Collins a pussy. This, of course, led to the fall of the Berlin Wall later that year.

Chuck Norris doesn't trust mirrors because there can only be one Chuck.

For every time the phrase "roundhouse kick" appears on this website, Chuck Norris will bomb an African village.

There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris doesn't love Raymond.

Chuck Norris' DNA is 90 percent denim.

Chuck Norris met with a teenage drug and alcohol awareness diversion group last week. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris uses live sharks as condoms.

Chuck Norris once bench pressed Texas. He then found himself with an enormous appetite, so he decided to eat Rosanne Barr. Alive.

Chuck Norris is no longer a noun, it is a verb.

Germans suffered 4 millon casualties during World War 2. 80% were roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris, the rest ate nails to avoid the suffering.

Hiroshima was actually Chuck Norris pissing from a plane

The soft drink beverage known as Mountain Dew is actually made entirely of Chuck Norris' urine. When you look at it through a microscope, you can see billions of microscopic Chucks, all waiting to roundhouse kick the shit out of your sperm.

In the early 1500s, Chuck Norris began a staring contest with Michelangelo's "David". He hasn't blinked since.

Chuck Norris keeps his beard trim by running through barbed wire fences every morning.

Chuck Norris' family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.

Chuck Norris doesnt look at the toilet paper after he wipes.

Chuck Norris was the inspiration for Donkey Kong, HD-TV, and waterslides. Yes, waterslides.

The earth did not start spinning until Chuck Norris gave it a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris flosses his teeth with babies.

In the early 1980s, Chuck Norris took a ragtag team of lovable losers and turned them into the state football champions. During their victory celebrations, he walked up to the star quarterback and snapped his neck to teach the rest of the team a valuable lesson about the mortality of man.

Chuck Norris was pissing on 14 year old girls YEARS before R Kelly.

For one day, muscle and beard were living entities, and they conceived Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

Chuck Norris killed the Pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris.

Christopher Walken kept a watch up his ass for 4 years. Chuck Norris kept Christopher Walken up his ass for 12.

Chuck Norris is God's apology for the Holocaust.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.

On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."

Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight. Not because he is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

When faced with a difficult situation, Jesus asks himself, "What would Chuck Norris do?"

Every time Chuck Norris wears pants a warrant is issued for his arrest. The charge is always "carrying a concealed weapon".

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Whenever Chuck Norris's wife asks him nicely to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Using only a couple of ordinary roofing nails and his fist as a hammer, Chuck Norris was able to convert a live bald eagle into a badass hood ornament for his monster truck.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

God refers to Chuck Norris as "Sir."

Jesus accepts Chuck Norris as his personal savior.

The term "carnivore" was invented after Chuck Norris was spotted at a carnival eating babies.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

The only reason sperm whales are named as they are is because Chuck Norris named them that when he dicovered they were the only animals that could deep throat him.

Chuck Norris' sidekick on Walker Texas Ranger isn't black, he's bruised.

In 1959 Stephen Hawking became the first and only person to outsmart Chuck Norris. He learned his lesson.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

All women love Chuck Norris because the mere thought of his beard creates an explosion of desire and passion in their vaginas.

Chuck Norris circumcised himself. At birth. With his bare hands.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Pokerdespite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades, and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if you have an erection that lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris commits suicide on Friday evenings just to spice up the weekends.

Chuck Norris is 100% positive that probability does not exist.

Chuck Norris masturbates to pictures of himself masturbating.

Chuck Norris invented the moon. Twice.