Friday, July 28, 2006

The UN says the US uses the death penalty disproportionately.

Fuck You, UN.

We kill because we care. Seriously.

We care about the sanctity of life in the United States, but we recognize when a wicked person should no longer live. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Anyone who kills someone for any reason other than self-defense should be put to death. Anyone who rapes someone, man or woman, should be put to death. Anyone who sexually molests a youngster, male or female, should be put to death. That is all.

Absentee blogger.

Sorry about that, guys. I haven't been around in a few days, as I've just started working my new job, and I'm still getting the lay of the land. I'm not about a mile down the road from my old stomping grounds, on a borrowed laptop, waiting to get mine.

The nice thing about starting a new job is that you essentially get a week or two of respite to just veg, where you have pretty much ZERO responsibility. The bad part, is that you have to actually learn your new job and all the systems that are associated with it, then start doing the job. Those couple weeks are great, though.

I ended up having to join a union, which, I'll admit, is both bogus and sad. (Points if you can guess the movie...) The Association of Scientists and Professional Engineering Personnel is a Lockheed Martin MS2 only "union" that, from what I've gathered, does not operate like a normal union. I get all kinds of crazy perks from being union, and they don't strike or bitch about stupid stuff like normal blue-collar unions do...its only costing me like $6/week, anyway. From their literature, 92% of all the engineers and scientists at MS2 are members...I guess I'm just going with the crowd.

Seamus is doing well...I went to a training class last night to get some information, and ended up enrolling. Its just a basic puppy manners and behaviors class, and it lasts six weeks. Our first real class is next Thursday at 7 PM, so I'll be sure to have some pictures. After I got out of the class, the skies opened up, and you'd have thought that you'd be struck by lightning, just cause. The sky was lit up like the the Fourth of July. Seamus didn't cry once. He's such a good dog.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Live local music.

Meghan and I went to see a band my buddy Rick is playing with, called Quick Step John. They're a slower, softer rock band, very much the opposite of what I normally listen to. Not that that's a bad thing, really. These guys were very, very talented. The sound and light show that they have set up is absolutely amazing. Their music is pretty mellow, with somewhat of a U2 vibe. The weird part of the band is that there are really only two members. My buddy Rick is playing drums for them, but the "main" members, I would guess, are a guitarist/singer and a keyboardist. When they do live shows, much of the backing band is pre-recorded, so when you hear the bass guitar, you're really hearing something that was laid down in a studio. Pretty nifty, if you ask me. They also have layers upon layers of guitar harmonies and such.

The first band that played last night was called Overlook, and they were a light, Oasis/Radiohead type band. These guys were also extremely talented. I wasn't too impressed by their music, but that's just because, as I said, I don't listen to soft rock. A good rock show for me involves tons of distortion, amps turned up to 11, and hopefully, if I'm lucky, a set of bagpipes. Anywhoooo...

The second band was called Pawnshop Roses, I think. These guys were cool! They reminded me a lot of a Black Crowes/Rolling Stones/Tom Petty mix with some Stevie Ray Vaughn thrown in to taste. The guitar work that these guys did was just amazing. Great rhythm riffs and awesome solos. And dude, the singer had mutton chops. That's just plain cool.

The show was at the Grape Street Pub in Manayunk, PA, and was hosted by WMMR, a kick ass Philadelphia rock station. We had a great time, but I'm definitely paying for it this morning. I am tired as hell! Daddy needs some sleep!

Thursday, July 20, 2006

New job.

My new job is starting on Monday. I'll be moving down the road a bit, over to Lockheed's "Main Plant" to start the database administrator job. I'm very excited but very nervous.

See, at this point, I've been in my current position for 53 weeks. While I was waiting for my security clearance, I had to sit in a crappy cube in a crappy building for two weeks, doing abso-fucking-lutely nothing. Once I finally got my clearance, they brought me over here, a secure building, and I started to learn the ropes. It took me three weeks just to know where half the equipment in this place is, and it took me six months to get a good grip on how the combat systems function. Now, a year later, I'm finally comfortable in my job. I'm at the point now that when someone makes a mistake, I can tell them so. Further, when someone really fucks something up, I can finally come down on them and give them some shit.

Sure, I'll never have the technical aptitude about these systems that BD has, since that guy has been working on this shit forever. He and a few other people were instrumental in making me feel comfortable in this building, and getting me the knowledge I needed to do my job. So I thank them at this point. Its been great working with you all, and if I can ever repay the debt, let me know. I'll buy the first round.

Its going to be weird...when I go to work on Monday, I'll be in training, and then all of a sudden, I'll have new things to people to friendships to make. But, I'm really going to miss this place. Its so unique, in the sense that there are only like five such places on the entire freakin' EARTH! I'll still be working with some of the engineers here, but in a much removed role.

Its all for the better, though. I won't have to work silly ass shifts anymore...better pay...better benefits...better track for advancement. Yeah, this will work nicely.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


I stole this from LL...figured I'd give anyone who reads this a better insight into what makes me tick.

What is something that makes you ANGRY?
I hate it when you train someone on something, and they keep telling you the understand what they've been told, over and over again, but they just won't do their job correctly. Not something I've had to deal with at my current job, but in past jobs...let's just say its been a problem.

What is your favorite ALCOHOLIC drink?
I would think it would be Hofbrau Munchen Hefe-Weizen beer. It's a great imported German wheat beer. Check it out if you ever see it. They also have a good Dunkles-Weizen (dark wheat beer) that you can get around me.

What is your BIRTHDATE?
February 19th. I'll be 24 next year...ick.

Do you have any BIRTHMARKS?

What are your CAREER aspirations?
I'm trying to do the whole "master of the universe" thing. I was lucky enough to do well in college and start a few levels above the bottom of the barrel. Hopefully at some point, I'll be identified as "high-potential" and be moved into a leadership development program, then thrown into a management track. I'd like to be a director or VP at some point, but owning my own business would be fly as hell.

Have you ever seen a CORPSE?
3. My great-aunt, my great-grandmother, and my friend, Jon Duchatellier, who was murdered three years ago. Miss you, man...

What is your favorite DESSERT?
Now that I'm all down in the dumps about that...umm...cookie dough ice cream.

When its your time, how would you like to DIE?
Going 200 miles per hour, with my hair on fire.

If you were an EVIL character, what would your name be?
Snidely Whiplash.

Have you ever set FIRE to anything?
I couldn't count the things. I've set brush fires, grass fires...fireworks...tons of stuff.

What’s your best FLIRTY line?
I don't know what a flirty line is.

What food turns you into a complete GLUTTON?
A nice, rare, aged steak...NY strip. Must be made properly, though, with just a little fat on the edges...mmm...

What is the best GIFT you have ever gotten?
My girlfriend said she'd marry me. Even though I didn't receive anything material, that was the best minute of my life.

What is your definition of HAPPINESS?
Being with the person I love, doing something I love.

Who do you HATE more: Paris Hilton or Jessica Simpson?
Paris Hilton. Jessica Simpson is just as dumb, but she had to do something for her money. And besides, she's gorgeous. Paris Hilton looks like a fish in a John Kerry shirt.

Who do you think is the biggest village IDIOT?
I really think its Ward Churchill.

State an INTERESTING fact about yourself.
I've had two hernia surgeries. Shaving your pubes really sucks.

What is the worst JOB you have ever had?
Waiter at a shitty diner. Everyone told me how they'd walk about with 50 or 60 bucks a night in tips. I made $2.15/hour and if I was lucky, made $20 in tips...amounting to less than minimum wage. And the manager was an asshole, to boot.

What is your favorite piece of JEWELRY?
My cheap silver ring that my fiancee gave me, like seven years ago. Its being retired this November in favor of a tungsten carbide wedding ring.

KARAOKE: love it or hate it?
I've always got music in my head...I can't sing, but I love to, so what do you think?

How do you feel about having KIDS?
I want three...two boys and a girl. No ideas on the boys names, but I want the girl to be named Emma Lynn.

Who is the great LOVE of your life?

What would you like to LEARN how to do?
Swordfight. With broadswords.

What is your favorite childhood MEMORY?
Camping and fishing up in Cooperstown, NY with my dad.

If you had MINIONS, what would you order them to do first?
Minions? Hmm...if they were mechanically inclined minions, I'd have them install a V8 Continental motor in my Sable...

How many daily NAPS do you need?
I work from 5 AM - 1 PM. I would like to take an afternoon nap, however, a certain puppy, which will remain nameless, does not see it that way.

Ever accidentally exposed your own or someone else’s NIPPLE?
All the time! There aren't many people that know me that haven't seen my nipples.

Do you think OUIJA boards are really controlled by the devil?
Those things are bullshit.

Describe something ODD about you.
I have to shave all the way down to my collar line, because I get random hairs that pop up in between the bottom of my beard and my chest hair.

What are you really PICKY about?
Kids actin' the foo while they're in public...and parents that do nothing about it but promise to buy them more shit.

Have you ever been to PRISON?,
Hell no.

Name something you can do really QUICKLY

Who do you QUARREL with the most?
Probably my mother.

If someone held you for RANSOM, how much do you think you are worth?
Maybe a grand or so.

What is your current RELATIONSHIP status?
I'll be married on November 18th.

Which of the SEVEN deadly SINS most applies to you?
Probably pride. I'm a hardheaded fuck.

Which would you rather not have in your home: a SPIDER or a SNAKE?
They can both hang out in my place, although Meg would freak if I brought a spider home. Now, put me near a scorpion or a centipede, and I'll cry like a little bitch with a skinned knee.

What experience felt like complete TORTURE?
Laying around after my second hernia operation. They did it through my belly button, and because of it, they pump you full of air. The air pushed on your diaphragm, which in turn causes referred pain to your shoulders. I swear that it felt like God himself was squeezing my shoulders...for hours!

What is the first THOUGHT you have waking up?
Fuck. It's 4:20 and the dog needs to pee.

What is the color of the UNDERWEAR you are wearing right now?
Yellow boxers with blue hibiscus flowers.

What is your most UNFLATTERING feature?
My fat ass.

Who do you think is the best VILLAIN of all time?
Darth Vader...nubian guy.

"What's a nubian"

What makes you feel VULNERABLE?
Not being in control.

Which would you rather have: unlimited WEALTH or unlimited WISDOM?
Wealth. With wealth can come wisdom.

If you could rule the WORLD, would you?
I doubt it. I'd probably kill a bunch of people, then get overthrown. Not a good idea.

Who is your favorite X-MEN character?
Gambit. He was a total badass, and they shoudl have had him in one of the movies, but the pussies didn't.

Have you ever had an X-RAY?
Yeah, unfortunately. I actually have to go get one for my back soon.

What do you YEARN for?
A 1970 Boss 429 Grabber Blue.

Who do you think looks more like a YETI?
I'll agree with LL...Robin Williams.

What is your ZODIAC sign?
Pisces, although I'm on the cusp of Aquarius. I don't believe in that crap anyway.

What has been the ZENITH of your life?
Getting engaged.

NYTimes. Fucked.

On a more serious note (not that Chuck Norris facts aren't serious), the NYTimes look to be totally fucked these days. They're losing ground faster than Roseanne Barr in a foot race. For years, the internet has allowed people to access the news THEY want to see, not what the mainstream media (msm) wants them to see. People have used this power to cut through the crap and see the real news, much of it, broken by bloggers, and covered with my better accuracy, I might add.

Unfortunately for the NYTimes, LA Times, etc, they haven't gotten the fact that people don't want to read the bullshit articles about it being evil to be an American. They don't want to read about Maureen Dowd's clitoris. People want news, they want it accurate, they want it unbiased, and they want it now.

Bear in mind, the NYTimes website offers a lot, but its a subscription site. Although its free, you have to log in to view articles. What the fuck is up with that? Why would I log in and view the NYT when I can just hit up Foxnews, CNN, MSNBC, or about a thousand different news organizations? Now, I'm not here saying that CNN or MSNBC are on par with Foxnews. That's just ludicrous. In fact, they're losing readership faster Bill Clinton could eat a smoked sausage sandwich. And Foxnews isn't perfect, mind you. Most of their hosts present the news, then they have a lib and a conservative battle it out for a few minutes, usually giving some sort of preference to the conservative. The point, though, is that Foxnews actually presents news as what it, the NYTimes, etc al, tend to present the author or anchor's opinion on the situation, as news. This, my friends, is wrong, and is why the msm keeps losing viewers and readers.

Back to the point, the NYTimes announced yesterday that they were going to close a press plant in Edison, NJ, up near where I used to live. My father is a pressman for the Asbury Park Press, a Gannet newspaper, really just another piece of shite news organization, and while talking to him about it yesterday, he mentioned that the facility they're closing was only opened in 2002, and to buy the building, the presses, and actually get it operational, was probably somewhere in the neighborhood of $30-50 million. Not only that, but the NYTimes announced that they're shrinking the size of their newspaper by 5%, to cut costs. Where will they be in 5 years if they don't stop pandering to the liberal elite and start addressing the concerns of mainstream America?

Chuck Norris facts.

I got an email with most of these about 7 months ago, but some of these are new, and they crack my ass up!

Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll introduce you to your biological father.

Chuck Noris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.

Chuck Norris fights illiteracy one North Vietnamese at a time

Once plugged into the Matrix, it took Chuck Norris 6 minutes to do what it took Neo 3 movies to accomplish. He also beat Super Mario Bros in under 60 seconds while he was there.

Most reported Bigfoot sightings are just Chuck Norris with his shirt off. Loch Ness sightings, on the other hand, are Chuck with his pants off.

There are two kinds of people in this world: People who are Chuck Norris, and people who are going to die.

When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he does not push himself up. He pushes the Earth down.

The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.

Newton's fourth law of physics: Don't fuck with Chuck Norris.

After taking the first steps on the moon and saying the immortal words, "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind", Neil Armstrong looked to his right, only to see Chuck Norris there on the moon, sitting on a lawn chair drinking a beer. "Giant leap, my ass", Chuck replied.

Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.

If you don't know who your biological father is, it's probably Chuck Norris.

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas

Chuck Norris knows a wrong way to eat a Reeses.

Anyone can piss on the bathroom floor, but Chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling.

Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris.”

Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."

One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to stop bullets becuase they know better.

A man was once stranded on the side of the road after his car ran out of gas. Chuck Norris drove by, got out, and looked the man in the eye. The man knew that everything would be fine. Then Chuck proceeded to piss into the man's gas tank and to this very day that man has never had to fill his gas tank up again. That was 14 years ago.

Chuck Norris does not know about this site. Otherwise he would have deleted the internet.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.

Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people was just too easy.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to digest his food because he scares the crap out of himself.

Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the fuck he wants.

The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

Chuck Norris could have any woman he wants, but he has never had sex. He only masturbates because the only person good enough to have sex with Chuck is Chuck.

The jackhammer was invented after a construction worker saw Chuck Norris having sex.

Chuck Norris does not need a condom. He believes they are not needed, as his sperm know that no woman is good enough to have his children.

President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

Chuck Norris only does the Total Gym infomercials as community service for killing old people and babies.

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris' big cock theory of space-time".

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

It is widely known that Chuck Norris does not know the meaning of the word "Pain". What is not widely known is that this is not due to any manner of superior physical fortitude, but rather his crippling illiteracy. He does, however, know the meaning of the term "Cleveland Steamer" which he uses on a nearly daily basis.

Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once ate a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank thee kegs and shit on their floor, just 'cause.

Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris went into a hospital. When they asked him what was wrong, Norris replied "I've got disco fever," and then he killed eight paramedics.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris killed Mcgyver by making a set of nun-chucks using newspaper, two toothpicks, a womans weave, and a 3 legged dog.

In 1989, Phil Collins challenged Chuck Norris to a drinking contest. Collins passed out after the 6th shot of moonshine. Chuck Norris went on to drink 12 more shots and a pint of antifreeze just to prove Collins a pussy. This, of course, led to the fall of the Berlin Wall later that year.

Chuck Norris doesn't trust mirrors because there can only be one Chuck.

For every time the phrase "roundhouse kick" appears on this website, Chuck Norris will bomb an African village.

There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris doesn't love Raymond.

Chuck Norris' DNA is 90 percent denim.

Chuck Norris met with a teenage drug and alcohol awareness diversion group last week. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris uses live sharks as condoms.

Chuck Norris once bench pressed Texas. He then found himself with an enormous appetite, so he decided to eat Rosanne Barr. Alive.

Chuck Norris is no longer a noun, it is a verb.

Germans suffered 4 millon casualties during World War 2. 80% were roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris, the rest ate nails to avoid the suffering.

Hiroshima was actually Chuck Norris pissing from a plane

The soft drink beverage known as Mountain Dew is actually made entirely of Chuck Norris' urine. When you look at it through a microscope, you can see billions of microscopic Chucks, all waiting to roundhouse kick the shit out of your sperm.

In the early 1500s, Chuck Norris began a staring contest with Michelangelo's "David". He hasn't blinked since.

Chuck Norris keeps his beard trim by running through barbed wire fences every morning.

Chuck Norris' family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong.

Chuck Norris doesnt look at the toilet paper after he wipes.

Chuck Norris was the inspiration for Donkey Kong, HD-TV, and waterslides. Yes, waterslides.

The earth did not start spinning until Chuck Norris gave it a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris flosses his teeth with babies.

In the early 1980s, Chuck Norris took a ragtag team of lovable losers and turned them into the state football champions. During their victory celebrations, he walked up to the star quarterback and snapped his neck to teach the rest of the team a valuable lesson about the mortality of man.

Chuck Norris was pissing on 14 year old girls YEARS before R Kelly.

For one day, muscle and beard were living entities, and they conceived Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

Chuck Norris killed the Pope with a roundhouse kick to the chest after an argument over who had a better beard, Jesus or Norris.

Christopher Walken kept a watch up his ass for 4 years. Chuck Norris kept Christopher Walken up his ass for 12.

Chuck Norris is God's apology for the Holocaust.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.

On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."

Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight. Not because he is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

When faced with a difficult situation, Jesus asks himself, "What would Chuck Norris do?"

Every time Chuck Norris wears pants a warrant is issued for his arrest. The charge is always "carrying a concealed weapon".

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Whenever Chuck Norris's wife asks him nicely to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Using only a couple of ordinary roofing nails and his fist as a hammer, Chuck Norris was able to convert a live bald eagle into a badass hood ornament for his monster truck.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

God refers to Chuck Norris as "Sir."

Jesus accepts Chuck Norris as his personal savior.

The term "carnivore" was invented after Chuck Norris was spotted at a carnival eating babies.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

The only reason sperm whales are named as they are is because Chuck Norris named them that when he dicovered they were the only animals that could deep throat him.

Chuck Norris' sidekick on Walker Texas Ranger isn't black, he's bruised.

In 1959 Stephen Hawking became the first and only person to outsmart Chuck Norris. He learned his lesson.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

All women love Chuck Norris because the mere thought of his beard creates an explosion of desire and passion in their vaginas.

Chuck Norris circumcised himself. At birth. With his bare hands.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Pokerdespite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades, and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if you have an erection that lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris commits suicide on Friday evenings just to spice up the weekends.

Chuck Norris is 100% positive that probability does not exist.

Chuck Norris masturbates to pictures of himself masturbating.

Chuck Norris invented the moon. Twice.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Blogging at work.

I was over at Lil' Toni's site earlier, watching the three videos she had posted of Acidman's interview on his local Fox affiliate, about being forced into early retirement because he posted some things about a coworker on his blog.

It got me to thinking...I've said some things on here about people I work with...maybe a few I shouldn't have. Should I now, knowing what I saw in those videos, go back and erase or edit what I said months ago? I'm not sure.

It begs the question of whether or not what you write on the internet is truely anonymous. I mean, everyone on the internet is logged in some way. IP addresses can easily trace a physical computer, and if you know anything about the TCP/IP stack and how the internet works, you truely understand that nothing, and I mean nothing is ever really anonymous. Even with IP spoofing programs, there's always a way to track IP addresses and determine what someone's real address is. From there, its a very short hop to determine where they are located. But I digress.

The point of my post is whether or not I should, or anyone should, worry about what they post on he internet. Sure, its written and stored. There are copies of this on dozens of servers, probably on tape backups that will sit in a storage facility for years to come. Should anyone really be completely forthcoming on the internet? Do you really want someone to be able to bring up something you said ten years earlier?

Imagine this...Bane decides he wants to run for office. Let's just say he could get the funding to wage an effective campaign, and get the nod from whatever party he wanted. What would happen when someone read his blog and tied it to him? He'd be lambasted in the msm as a racist, homophobe, bigot, sexist, facist, etc, etc, etc. So why would someone put themselves out there like they do?

I mean, I know that I'm holding back when I write. I realize that something, somewhere, will come back to bite me in the ass. All I need is the wrong person reading this (not that anyone really does) and I'm up the proverbial creek.

Anyway, I really admire writers that can put themselves out there completely and not hold anything back. I hope that some of the people that do so don't end up being screwed by family and friends, like LL has, or by their company, like Acidman was.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Student loan repayment.

I can't stand dealing with student loan repayment people. I think they hire the few people who were too stupid to get a job at Walmart, stick them all in one call center, and smack them on the heads with canoe paddles all day long. They are just that damn retarded. And you have to deal with them after you've been on hold for twenty freaking minutes.


Crazy weekend, huh?

The Northeast US is embroiled (and I do mean broiled) in a heat wave. The last few days have been 90+. My trusty Firefox/ applet is telling me that today is supposed to be 99, and tomorrow is supposed to be 98. I blame George W. Bush for global warming. Right...

The Israelis are really giving it to the Palestinians. To tell you the truth, I haven't been following this story closely, and have no idea WHY the shit hit the fan recently. All I know is that I hope Israel finally wipes the sand clean of these fuckers, then starts on Iran. We all know that if Israel goes after Iran, the US will be right behind them. Hell, maybe the French will even send a brigade or two, you know...just to make it look like they're doing something after Chirac came out with all his threats and promises over the Iran nukes. I doubt it, though.

The Mets hit two grand slam home runs in their game against the Cubs last night. Meg and I were watching Braveheart, and in between Seamus pee breaks, I would switch over to the game. At one point, there was no score. Then, it was 0-5, Cubs. Then 2-5, Cubs. Then, all of a sudden, 13-5, Mets. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? A grand slam from Cliff Floyd, a grand slam from Carlos Beltran, a two run shot from David Wright, 40 minutes, and 70 pitches later, and the Mets have put up 11 runs in one inning, a new team record!

The Hooters CEO died this weekend...

Pete Coors, President of Coors Brewing Company, lost his license for drunk driving this last week. Funny, though, that Patrick Kennedy only got a year's probation and a $350 fine for his recent DUI/accident. Hmmm...I wonder if Mary Jo Kopechne would have anything to say about the Kennedys driving drunk?

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Seamus got sick!

Yesterday afternoon, I had to take Seamus to the vet to get his next round of shots, which included his rabies vaccination and his third distemper. After his shots, he got a round of deworming medicine, and I gave him his next heartworm preventative pill. When we left, he and I went to my dad's house, which is near the vets, so that Seamus could play with my dad's boxer, Rocky. The two of them are the best of buds. Its gotten to the point that if my dad comes to my place and plays with Seamus, then goes home, Rocky won't leave him alone for like a half hour, because he smells Seamus on him. The two of them are inseparable when we're over there. Anywho.

Around 5:45, my fiancee got home, and I was cooking dinner...Seamus was acting like he normally does, saying hello, doing his stupid little dance near the front door when mommy comes home. Nothing out of the ordinary. 6:25 rolls around, and all of a sudden, he's very lethargic and totally uninterested in playing or even being petted. Weird. At the vets, they technician showed me how to hold him down to immobilize him, so that we can cut his nails. I went to show Meghan, and I hit his left hind leg, which made him scream. I look at him, and see that he has a knot the size of a golf ball in his thigh. I pull him towards me and touch the knot again, and he screams. So, being the good "father" that I am, I call the vet and ask them. I explain that he was in earlier, and now he has a huge lump in his thigh. They say to bring him in, and they'll look at it, then ask if he had shots when he was in. I say, why yes, he did!

The way to the vets was pretty uneventful. My driving was pretty typical, 20+ MPH over the speed limit, and taking corners like only an amateur road racer can do. Halfway through the trip, though, Seamus decided it was time to upchuck. I swear to everything that is Holy, that this dog threw up at least five times his body weight. IT. WAS. EVERYWHERE. Meghan's in the backseat with him, and thank the Lord we had a towel back there. She filled it. And didn't get it all.

We got him to the vet, and they took a look at him. Their diagnosis was that he had an allergic reaction to something called "Lepto" in one of the vaccines he was given earlier. They gave him a shot of benadryl and a shot of adrenaline, then gave us two medicines, benadryl and an anti-inflammatory, to give him for the next three days.

We was slow and tired last night, as they said he would be after the shots. This morning, he was wide awake and ready to play; completely back to his normal self. Unfortunately, one of the medicines he was given has a side-effect that causes him to drink and pee in insane amounts. Meghan said he had to follow him around constantly this morning because he was peeing so much.

Ah...the life of a pet owner. All told, $125 to put the shots in, $62 to repair the "damage," and a roll of paper towels to clean up the puke...

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I am a hurt piece.

First and foremost, happy 4th of July, belated, of course. I was too busy lighting things on fire and searing the flesh of innocent cows yesterday afternoon to get on here and post properly.

Second, I had to move this weekend. I absolutely hate moving. Our lease is up on July 31st (in the old apartment) and we had found and awesome new condo to move into, so we moved. Unfortunately, we're paying for rent on two apartments this month, but this new one will save us significant money in the longer term.

Saturday was spent moving, all day. We picked the truck up around 7:30 AM, and it was dropped off at 5 PM. Much back breaking labor ensued during those hours, and it continued on into the night. I think we went bed around 10 or 11 that night, thoroughly exhausted. We bought new couches on Friday, and picked them up on Saturday morning. We didn't take them out of the plastic until yesterday evening, and lo and behold, one of them has a 1" rip in the "shoulder" of the couch. Man, am I pissed. Now, I have to try to deal with the store, who isn't a major retailer, more of a bargain basement type seller, who sometimes has very nice new pieces at cut prices. We'll see how that goes.

Sunday, we went up to a BBQ at my mom's house...drank lots of beer, ate lots of clams, hot dogs, mexican dip, kielbasa, did a few shots (who knew that black Sambuca was that tasty?) and generally just had a great time. The little Seamus went for a few swims in my mom's pool, and had a ball playing with all the kids.

Monday, we had to paint. Of course, this would have been easier, had we not moved all our crap into the new apartment. If I hate moving, I loathe painting. I'm terrible at it. Plain and simple. I can't apply an even coat for my life. Nuff' said.

Yesterday, we hit up my dad's house for ribs and clams. We brought 150 mahogany littleneck clams, which we promptly devoured, and we had some beer and margaritas. A good time on our nation's birthday. We fired off about a hundred bottlerockets, played with the dogs, got caught in the rain. Team Italy beat team Germany in the World Cup (which I admittedly don't watch...) The Mets came from behind to beat the Pirates.

It was a good day.