Caution: I will curse quite a bit in this post...

So, I work with this woman...We'll say her name is...Meika (names have been changed to protect the presumed innocent). She really annoys the hell out of me, and just about everyone else in my area. She's a one-upper, which drives me incredibly insane. If you've never met a one-upper, they're the person who always has a story better than yours. For instance, a friend of mine was brutally beaten to death while a freshman student at Holy Cross University, in Massachusetts. When I told my then-roommate (also a one-upper) about it, and that I had to go to the funeral, instead of offering solace, he told me that he was supposed to sit next to a kid at graduation, that had been killed three weeks before, and although he never met the kid (went to a very large HS), his loss was just as bad as mine...hmmm...

Anyway, Meika always has a better story. When I was talking about working on my car, instead of telling me that it was cool that I had replaced a significant portion of my suspension, by myself, she proceeded to tell me that she had rebuilt an engine with her father, and tried to imply that she knew more about engines than I did. Of course, a few weeks later, she had many questions for me on how to change her headlights...Go figure...She can rebuild an engine, but not change headlights...When I was talking about remodeling my fiancee's mom's living room/first floor, she told me that she had built a house with her father, and that lathe and plaster was "no problem for her". Additionally, it always seems like she's implying that she has a larger penis than all the men I work with, because of the "manly" work she's had to do throughout the years.

Last Friday, I was in the middle of trying to track down some secret media (not secret that you can't know about it, but secret in that it's classified) that one of the people upstairs had signed out improperly, and while I'm freaking out (because it was my neck on the line) she starts jabbering on about how I have hat head. WHO THE FUCK CARES IF I HAVE HAT HEAD! That's right, no one does. We were all too busy trying to track down someone else's mistake so that I didn't get fucked, and you're yapping constantly about my hat head, then, to make things worse, you start running your mouth at the person who's supposed to be cleaning up the mess, about nonsense. She wasn't even talking about mission-critical work stuff...I can't remember exactly what she was talking about, but I wasn't much. I mean, the guy who was helping me isn't the brightest bulb in the fucking box, and probably has an IQ of about fifty-fucking-seven! Anyway...cool down...breathe...

So besides this, she talks weird. She's from a northern state (again, won't say which, to protect the formerly innocent) and is just generally creepy when she talks. She always ooohs and aaaahs in weird ways, sucks her teeth (not at you), has an annoying laugh, and is just generally a pain in the royal ass. She can always be counted on to break up a work session by complaining about how her harp lesson ran long, or that she's planning on going to her boyfriend's house (this woman is in her mid-fifties, and looks every day of it) to get laid later that night. I know, everyone needs some lovin', but I, as a 23 year old, don't want to fucking hear it. I can think of my hot 21 year old fiancee...I don't want to be thinking about your old bones in bed! I wish I could convey over the internet how ridiculous and annoying she sounds when she's talking to you. She pauses at inappropriate times while she's talking to you, cuts you off, does the aforementioned oooooh-ing and aaaaaah-ing, bunches up her fat neck, and blinks at you like you just shined a 50,000,000 candlepower light in her fucking eye.

Additionally, she's the type that always forwards the "cute" emails. "Ooooh, isn't this so CUTE?!!!" NO! I DON'T GIVE A RATS ASS ABOUT PUPPY DOG TAILS OR KITTENS! Unless you want to send me a good joke or video, don't put my name on that distribution list. Better yet, don't hit send to begin with. Keep the mail servers cleaner without your bullshit! I mean, I don't forward stuff unless it's REALLY good. Once in awhile I'll send a joke out...I'll usually send something very patriotic...but not pictures of puppies and kittens.

I struggled with whether or not I would write this damn post. There are a couple of people that I work with that read this from time to time. I'm sure they know who I'm talking about, so hopefully they will read, laugh a couple of times, and keep it to themselves without letting poor Meika know that she has been knocked on the internet.